My last blog post was in January, it was winter and now here we are in April and there are signs of Spring everywhere you look. During the past few months I have been gripped by the evils of depression, combined with anxiety, paranoia and any other aspects of my personality disorder that decided to rear their ugly head. Right now it feels like I have ‘woken up’ and slowly I am getting out and doing more. I have a bad coping mechanism of isolating myself when the depression takes an ugly grip. I recognise this is not healthy, however I seem incapable of stopping the downward spiral. Winston Churchill named his depression ‘the black dog’ and I can relate to that. It does feel like a black dog has leapt on your shoulder and darkens every thought and action that you have. I am an honest person but depression turns me into a liar. I lie to my friends that I am ok when in reality I’m not, I make excuses, and I don’t always admit to the depression. Why do I do this? Because when I am in the darkest depths of depression I feel inadequate, ashamed and worthless. I hid away from the end of January up until last week. The only times I left my flat were once a week to the chemist to collect my prescriptions and I attended the odd appointment with the my care co-ordinator and support worker from the mental health charity Rethink. Sometimes the anxiety, panic and paranoia were too great and I failed to go the chemist when my anti-depressants ran out, having a day or two without them. I wished for sleep during the day to take me away from the avalanche of thoughts in my mind but it would never come. At night I lay awake for a while before I settled into sleep, which only came due to the sedative effect of one of the anti-depressants I take.
Thankfully, I don’t feel the black dog’s presence so much at the moment. I am getting out more, seeing friends and enjoying the delights of Spring. The photo on this blog is one I took of a beautiful blossom tree near to my home. I love blossom, it is so pretty.